Where's the Beef?

Good news: I’m still not smoking (though I threatened to start yesterday) and I’m not alone…others are suffering too! (Hands clapping) YAY!! Normally that isn’t good news, and traditionally it isn’t nice to be happy that someone else is suffering.  However, in this case I’m SO happy to not be flying solo! Misery genuinely loves company….and I’ve got plenty of it!

There’s a blog for the cleansers to use but, instead, we’ve started e-mailing one another our random complaints roughly every 10 minutes. You can’t imagine the sheer volume of these electronic cries for help. Personally, I feel I have no choice and have taken on sponsors and appointed someone else for the buddy-system. The buddy says helpful things like, “If you’re not eating cheese, I won’t eat cheese either….give up sour cream? No problem! And don’t mind me while I sit over here with this brownie that I took a bite out of and said ‘it’s not mine’”. Contacting one of the sponsors goes something like, “Hi, it’s Allison…yah, the craving is real bad this time…I don’t know if I can do this….” “Allison, just breathe, and take it one hour at a time. And think about all the things you can have when the cleanse is over”. What can I say – they’re volunteers and a whole lot nicer than the likes of Jillian Michaels.  

We feel like we’re starving to death even though the list of foods to eat is HUGE and the possibilities are limitless. Still, somehow foregoing the apple fritter and non-fat lattes have me feeling deprived. The cravings at this point are irritating for the simple fact that the idea of eating most of them leaves me totally nauseous. (The apple fritter and lattes are exempt from this feeling so far (hands clapping) YAY!). A burger sounded good for about 5 seconds and then my stomach put a total halt to that thought coming back…

I feel like I’m being programmed and today I was put to the test – lunch was catered in and I didn’t eat it….well, I tried to eat a cookie (don’t judge!) but just the smell of it was terrible…so I threw it away.  What is going on here?  I’m seriously starting to worry I’ll live out the rest of my days on beets! I’m only going to be 30 – that’s a lot of days of beets, also known as the ultimate do-good-for-your-body food that will keep me alive until I’m 150! That’s 43,800 days for those that like math.

The cleansers have voted and we’re exhausted, what with all the shopping, rinsing, cutting, chopping, scooping, cooking, steaming and baking – I’m going to be an Iron Chef by the time this is over….and the dishes! There are a ton of dishes for each meal.  The liquid consumption is demanding in its own right…followed of course by the many, many, MANY trips to the bathroom! I’m concerned office management is going to make me start bringing my own toilet paper….

Ah, yes, liquid consumption, I knew I had a point to make: the Hyenas believe the only cleanse is the Master Cleanse where you have nothing but lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper 3-4 times a day for a week or something ridiculous. Oh, yeah, that sounds healthy and rational!  I’d chew my own arm off before I got through one or maybe two days of that! Besides, about the time I got my pants back from the tailor making them smaller from a week of no food, the weight would be back and I’d need new pants…. Seems counterproductive if you ask me.

Karen said everything I'm going through is normal....  Normal and expected I can handle - as long as I don't fail the cleanse...if I fail the cleanse, you know what's going to happen?  I'll be tapping people on their shoulders during Yoga asking if they have a light...well, we’re supposed to be quiet during class, so I’ll have to make the universal thumb motion for a lighter.

Off to....well, you know where...