Here are the questions: Is it appropriate for a member of a family to
write condemning things about another member, and is it alright to air dirty
laundry publicly? On the other hand: Why shouldn’t someone share their life and
the good and bad experiences they have had? Watching these two try and work
through their relationship has awoken a few things within me that I
deliberately buried and purposely chose to forget where.
My own father and I had a tumultuous relationship, and he would deny
everything if I wrote it all down for the world to see. This is mostly because
he has an extremely warped memory and sense of blame, ownership, fault, reality
and truth. He would tell me how none of those things ever happened, what a
terrible daughter I am, explain how stupid I am and ask who brainwashed me. Just
for reference: that’s how each of my conversations with him has ended….and it’s
also why I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10 years.
Why is it more acceptable to write and share stories about people who
have outstanding success and are well-loved than to write and share stories
about men who were so belligerent to their children that those children will
never speak to their father again? I, for one, don’t see a problem putting it
all out there. We are all owners of
everything about us….good or bad, and whether you want to be or not. At the end
of the day, things that happen make us who we are. Why not share those things?
It’s not about my father, it’s about me and how I felt and feel about closing
the door on my relationship with him and coming to terms with the fact that our
relationship was our relationship. It was never going to change. It would never magically become
what I had hoped for it to be. It was what it was. Take it or leave it…when I couldn’t
take it anymore, I left it. I wasn’t forced out of it; I chose to give it up. I
am the owner of that choice, and I absolutely do not regret it.
So, back to the first question – is it appropriate for a member of a family to
write about other members? I say go for it. They can choose to accept it or not. I don’t think people should live their lives in fear of doing
something so terrible it becomes worthy of being written about - nor should they strive for such notable greatness – but I do think people should own up
to things they have done and take credit for it. If my father had
been a knight in shining armor opposed to a jerk wrapped in tin foil, that
would have definitely been noteworthy. If my father had any ability to take
credit for the relationships with his children being what they were, that would have
been great and equally noteworthy: stepping up to the plate, correcting wrongs, moving forward.
New question: does it matter when someone takes ownership? That's where there are hangups. There are many relationships, that if the other person called or reached out in any way, shape or form, I would let everything go and move forward without questioning it. If my father called me tomorrow and apologized for things
that he has said and done, it wouldn’t prompt me to run into his arms telling
him how much I missed him. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t answer the phone. That
ship has sailed.
Is that fair? Maybe it is dependent upon how many
times a relationship has been tried and failed for various reasons. Is there a scale – what is the weight of the damage
done? Does it matter who caused the damage: friends vs. family?
What it boils down to is this: relationships and their dynamics are ever-changing between any two people. Even they may have opposing opinions of their own relationship. Sometimes you just can't worry about it anymore and have to let it go, whether that process is in print or not.
