Bring on the Chainsaw

I’ve always been a fan of the Discovery Channel, animals, nature….etc. It was even a part of my application letter to CSU. Critters are cute, raccoons have those little hands, squirrels can hang upside down (from my bird feeders while the dogs bark at them) and large game are magnificent. Bears are scary as hell but the cubs are hysterical with absolutely zero control over their bodies. Birds – okay, they need some freaking manners!

Every morning before 5AM they start singing. For what? Then, miraculously, when the sun comes up they stop. REALLY!?!? Now, on top of the regular birds, my trees have become the nesting grounds for hawks. Don’t ask what kind, I know nothing other than they must be the kind that live somewhere and bug the hell out of a homeowner for LIFE and never leave. A few summers ago they arrived. I thought this was pretty cool because I am an idiot and had no idea what we were getting into. Sophie points at them mercilessly, Porter is annoyed by their never ending squealing and squawking and MacKenzie isn’t allowed outside unsupervised.

Cut to now: they have made their residence outside my bedroom window. Great. They have many nests built and have officially taken over – doesn’t this make them squatters?  The neighbor and his son have decided to start videotaping them.  You ever have a video camera pointed directly at your house? It’s a little disconcerting to say the least.

All day and most of the night the hawks screech and scream and last week I caught them doing some very inappropriate things in my front yard! If I don’t have sex in my front yard, they should have the common courtesy not to either. I cannot wait for the babies to arrive (eye roll). Something tells me that will all be caught on camera too….reminder: that camera is pointed at my house and the birds live outside my bedroom window!

Today I found the truck plastered in bird poop and they left part of something they had been eating stuck to it….uh, thanks.  I had to run errands like that!  Very classy driving to the grocery store with splotches of poop everywhere and something fleshy and furry baked on and blowing in the wind! Went to the car wash and I’m too short to wash the roof with much leverage, but I did notice that the fur was gone so tomorrow I can go to work with a little dignity….

I guess I’ll sit back, keep the cars out from under the trees, try not to get caught on camera being naked or doing something stupid, and wait for the babies to hatch and flight school to begin…..hoping the whole time that the babies move away and this doesn’t become an even larger hawk habitat!