Where's the Beef?

Good news: I’m still not smoking (though I threatened to start yesterday) and I’m not alone…others are suffering too! (Hands clapping) YAY!! Normally that isn’t good news, and traditionally it isn’t nice to be happy that someone else is suffering.  However, in this case I’m SO happy to not be flying solo! Misery genuinely loves company….and I’ve got plenty of it!

There’s a blog for the cleansers to use but, instead, we’ve started e-mailing one another our random complaints roughly every 10 minutes. You can’t imagine the sheer volume of these electronic cries for help. Personally, I feel I have no choice and have taken on sponsors and appointed someone else for the buddy-system. The buddy says helpful things like, “If you’re not eating cheese, I won’t eat cheese either….give up sour cream? No problem! And don’t mind me while I sit over here with this brownie that I took a bite out of and said ‘it’s not mine’”. Contacting one of the sponsors goes something like, “Hi, it’s Allison…yah, the craving is real bad this time…I don’t know if I can do this….” “Allison, just breathe, and take it one hour at a time. And think about all the things you can have when the cleanse is over”. What can I say – they’re volunteers and a whole lot nicer than the likes of Jillian Michaels.  

We feel like we’re starving to death even though the list of foods to eat is HUGE and the possibilities are limitless. Still, somehow foregoing the apple fritter and non-fat lattes have me feeling deprived. The cravings at this point are irritating for the simple fact that the idea of eating most of them leaves me totally nauseous. (The apple fritter and lattes are exempt from this feeling so far (hands clapping) YAY!). A burger sounded good for about 5 seconds and then my stomach put a total halt to that thought coming back…

I feel like I’m being programmed and today I was put to the test – lunch was catered in and I didn’t eat it….well, I tried to eat a cookie (don’t judge!) but just the smell of it was terrible…so I threw it away.  What is going on here?  I’m seriously starting to worry I’ll live out the rest of my days on beets! I’m only going to be 30 – that’s a lot of days of beets, also known as the ultimate do-good-for-your-body food that will keep me alive until I’m 150! That’s 43,800 days for those that like math.

The cleansers have voted and we’re exhausted, what with all the shopping, rinsing, cutting, chopping, scooping, cooking, steaming and baking – I’m going to be an Iron Chef by the time this is over….and the dishes! There are a ton of dishes for each meal.  The liquid consumption is demanding in its own right…followed of course by the many, many, MANY trips to the bathroom! I’m concerned office management is going to make me start bringing my own toilet paper….

Ah, yes, liquid consumption, I knew I had a point to make: the Hyenas believe the only cleanse is the Master Cleanse where you have nothing but lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper 3-4 times a day for a week or something ridiculous. Oh, yeah, that sounds healthy and rational!  I’d chew my own arm off before I got through one or maybe two days of that! Besides, about the time I got my pants back from the tailor making them smaller from a week of no food, the weight would be back and I’d need new pants…. Seems counterproductive if you ask me.

Karen said everything I'm going through is normal....  Normal and expected I can handle - as long as I don't fail the cleanse...if I fail the cleanse, you know what's going to happen?  I'll be tapping people on their shoulders during Yoga asking if they have a light...well, we’re supposed to be quiet during class, so I’ll have to make the universal thumb motion for a lighter.

Off to....well, you know where...

F!@#$*^ Cleanse.....

Started Thursday and Friday and had fun with it. Probably because I allowed myself Starbucks and dinner at Bisetti's in Fort Collins Friday - don't judge!

Yesterday I froze to death all day and didn’t feel well over all – especially tired. Have to keep up the water intake, so I lugged around a thermos full of hot water on errands. I wanted to cry at REI when there were no fitting rooms open and a woman was mean to me. Then a woman was nice to me and let me use her fitting room while she went to find other sizes, and I wanted to cry again.

I about went ballistic on Tom at the watch/sunglass counter for not acknowledging us.  After a while Patrick was also angry (I know, right, he's Mr. Patient, so you know it was bad!) and drug me away before Tom could be the first diagnosed with Shaken Adult Syndrome and I was banned from REI permanently. So far these are about the only mood swings I've experienced, which is good. Tom had it coming, and it would have been a normal reaction for me to give him a 2nd asshole. Wanting to cry over the availibility of a fitting room, however, is not normal!  Apparently others participating in the cleanse are having 'outbursts'. I do NOT want to see what happens when a Yogi has an outburst!!

Today I feel waterlogged and a little underwhelmed. I’m still freezing and not having any fun. I spent 2 hours preping for and making cauliflower soup and a green smoothie….and as it turns out, I don’t care for either one. In a moment of not being mindful, I lopped off part of my thumb with an apple corer and then followed that up by blowing the lid off of the blender which sent the the 2 cups of cauliflower soup that was in it sailing all over me and the rest of the kitchen. Burned like hell when it hit my eyes and now everything in the kitchen has an orange hue to it from the Turmeric.  I already know the Painter (that would be Patrick) will not be amused.  This is now 2 rooms the Turmeric has taken over. I see being grounded in my near future! Note: if you have a food processor, use it instead of the blender…works better and there’s no pressure build-up from any remaining heat coming off of the food. Just an observation from my kitchen to yours.

No food cravings, although at this point the thought has crossed my mind to live out the rest of the week on hot water with lemon, flaxseed tea, rice, room-temperature vegetables and apples.

Hoping tomorrow is better........

You Are What You Digest

I am happy to report: no new addiction to cigarettes. I am sad to report yesterday’s final non-fat latte.  Couldn’t there be a swap?  I never smoked so the lattes are in – no? Ok.  Surprisingly enough, I’m actually okay with it and I’ve come to terms with the food swap in anticipation of feeling a whole lot different when I have completed this.

Yesterday after work I went to the grocery store to pick up “staples”. With my list in tow, I spent most of my time in the produce section learning to how buy things I’ve never purchased before….like beets.  They sort of taste like dirt, but I like them anyway. (Note to self: call Mom and ask her how much time I spent eating dirt as a child.) I left the store with 2 bags of produce and a gallon of apple juice…all organic…less than $50. I wondered what I was supposed to do with these random items. Like the zucchini, parsley and the load of avocados, apples and lemons.

When we met in the evening, we were given the list of foods to eat and it totally dominates the list of foods not to eat! I was not expecting this; even though I’ve known this isn’t a fast, I didn’t expect that we’d be allowed to eat as much as we want at our meals and that the list of what we could eat would be so enormous! The only stipulation is no snacking. We’ve been provided with recipes as well, which should be fun to try.

Rice cakes – I thought I liked rice cakes.  Turns out I like the ones slathered in stuff like sugar.  By the time I got to the second one (yes, I ate two of them – don’t judge!), I started to really like the new brand. Had oatmeal for breakfast today and strayed from my normal process…I’m not going to lie: it was questionable.  Any dried fruits need to be soaked in hot water before eating…do you know what raisins look like soaking in hot water?  It’s not pretty…and the water turns brown (just thought I would share). Without milk, I was worried the oatmeal would be bland, so I added strawberries, and it was a good thing too – there’s no way I would have eaten the oatmeal and those waterlogged things that used to be raisins alone!  Made beet salad for lunch today…the term ‘salad’ is used loosely as it consists of beets…lemon juice….and a special oil. It tastes pretty great actually but definitely not a salad. Just wiped my mouth and it looks like I blotted off lipstick…good.  This is a good look for me – with bright pink lips. Fabulous.

Been drinking water like there’s an upcoming ration. I’ve had to pee all morning – like every 20 – 30 minutes. Then I got the hiccups.  You ever have to pee AND get the hiccups? Look, I kept it under control, but there were a few minutes when I really worried Patrick would have to bring me new underwear and pants.  Probably socks and shoes too.

We’ll see what the coming days and meals bring, but so far I’ve decided maybe switching from Clif Bars to rice cakes isn’t so bad after all.

The Quintessential Question

There’s nothing better than really, truly, great food….whatever that may be to each of us.  Truly great food is always enjoyed and savored, but most importantly – it is remembered.  We all know when we’ve had an amazing breakfast or Panini, a steak that melts in your mouth or banana cream pie that beats all other pies. Grilled vegetables, fresh strawberries, a funnel cake, banana lattes or phenomenal dark chocolate. My life revolves around food: what time it is served, creating menus, cooking and of course eating! I do not eat to live, I live to eat.

Each day, I go completely insane listening to women whine about being overweight and what they eat, and then, consequently, what they don’t eat.  This is all done as I watch them move from the freezer to the microwave with a box, the contents of which are some concoction containing little to zero actual food, ready in 5 minutes or less. The women look at my lunches like Hyenas stalking prey. When it comes to speaking up about things I do for myself, they are very funny acting about it. Some show interest, some grasp their frozen boxes even more firmly.  I say to them, “that’s not nearly enough food, you’re going to starve!” of course, this translates into, “you idiot, just EAT!”

No wonder men get tired of women bitching and moaning and whining and complaining and say we don’t make sense. Prime example: this is the same group that refuses to exercise, but instead, hang their hopes on the contents of this ‘magic’ box. Interesting choice. Ever paid attention to what’s in those boxes?  Nothing.  There’s nothing in them – perhaps a few forkfuls of food, smothered in a creation masquerading as sauce. The contents in the box are never enough, so they are quickly followed by a bag of Doritos which, sadly, are more filling than the frozen mess itself.

I don’t believe in diets – of any type. Extremes to me are pointless and silly. Absolutes such as “I never” and “I always” aren’t things I live by…especially as they apply to food, and this works for me.  The women will say “you can eat whatever you want, you’re thin”. Not true. I make wise choices. I make poor choices. I’m conscious of them all and there are consequences of too many poor choices. Wise choice: whole wheat pasta with tomatoes and green beans. Unwise choice: apple fritter from Starbucks, which I'm eating as I type this. Just eat and enjoy it. 

One of the things I’ve learned from my Uncle Michael is that he, too, loves really great food.  This means I end up with a wide variety to try when I visit him, and when I’m full, I’m full.  He’ll say to me “you don’t have to finish, did you enjoy what you ate?” 

That to me is the quintessential question….did you enjoy what you ate?

THE Cleanse

So I haven't been feeling so great lately and I don't really like to just take something that appears to deal with symptoms - I want to solve the problem.  My Yoga instructor, Karen, is also an Aurvedic Practitioner and we've been straightening out a few of my issues at a time with Ayurvedic remedies...

Some of the remedies, you ask? Well, Cumin, Corriander and Fennel tea...which Patrick about spit back into the mug and my Mother says is missing steak, salt and pepper, but is otherwise a nice broth.... Then there's the oil and Turmeric on my skin...makes me look like I have Jaundice and prompts Patrick to sigh "there's Turmeric everywhere" because it winds up on the floor, the bathroom mirrors and everywhere else. The Aloe Vera Juice...which Karen told me tastes like lime juice (in case you're wondering, it does NOT...at least not at first). Ah, yes, and Ghee on the feet, which makes Patrick laugh thinking of the episode of Frasier.

Back to not feeling well - so Karen is doing an Ayurvedic Cleanse which will affect the liver and other organs.  GREAT!  I'm in!  (Remember the part about Yoga where I didn't ask many questions before the first session began?!?!) I received an e-mail last week: no caffeine, alcohol, white sugar or cigarettes.  Ok, the only one on there that doesn't pertain to me are the cigarettes.  I uttered an inaudible "shit" and closed the e-mail.  Reassured myself that, "I can do this", and moved on to something else.

Today I received a follow-up e-mail so that we can start to really prepare for the cleanse starting on Thursday....wonder if she knew I hadn't been cutting out anything...except for the cigarettes...I've managed to not get hooked on those since the last e-mail!  The e-mail today suggested some herbs to try - herbs, GREAT!  I do well with herbs - please refer to what my Mother called "broth" above. It also suggested having some specific vegetables, fruit and rice cakes "on hand".....okay, I'm going to starve. 

Then it happened. Another e-mail.  This time detailing do's and don'ts. I'm totally screwed!  The wine and martinis were bad enough to give up - apparently even if there's lemon or a cherry in my martinis...which qualifies as fruit...it's still not allowed.  This e-mail claimed there was "more to come" when we meet on Thursday. Oh, good.

I sent the lists I've received so far to Patrick as he has (forcibly) agreed to do this with me.  What that means is that during the week when he's in Gillette, he can do whatever he wants. When he's here, he has to follow the same dietary rules as me.  That will be no dairy, meat, fish, eggs....oh, and the part about alcohol? Yup, none of that either.  He's allowed to keep his plain-made-at-home drip coffee, but no Starbucks.  Remembering the vows, I'm pretty sure there was something about 'in sickness and in health'...doesn't this fall into that category?

T-2 days until this all begins!

Yoga Certification

I had taken 1...yes 1...Yoga class at the Rec Center in Steamboat and a few at home sessions with my friend Wendy and decided I should be a Yoga Instructor.  Ok, not much thought had gone into it, but as it turned out, it was the best decision of my life....sorry, Honey.

When you get married, typically, you have known the person for a while and feel confident with your decision - at that moment. When I decided to be a Yoga instructor...well, the decision making process was less planned out.

I spent 9 months waiting between the call to the instructor of instructors and the first class of the first session...pretty much not thinking about the commitment being made but, instead, how cool it sounded to say I was going to be a Yoga Instructor....if I only knew what I had gotten myself into!

So on the first night, in October, I learned this was going to be an emotional roller coaster of roller coasters.  We went around the room and stated why we were in training...and then the tears came as I told a room full of strangers that I didn't know what I was doing with myself and felt lost and needed to be more balanced.  These people are now some of the biggest gifts I've ever received! 

I was the youngest in our class and also the least experienced at all of this. We first started talking about the Philosophy, which of course I argued with and fought against. During the first session we talked a lot; about who we were, who we are and who we want to become.  We talked about what we believed and what we did not believe.  In hindsight it sunk in more than I thought at the time.......6 short months ago.

The second session was more about movement, and I thought, "alright, NOW we're talkin'"! We moved to Anatomy...I cheated my way through Anatomy my Senior year of High School....you know the whole slip of paper with all the answers up your sleeve trick?  Yup. That was me.  11 years later: no change! I had a hell of a time remembering what was attached to what and the "leg bone is attached to the...." song did me no good! We learned about muscles and then did poses to prove they existed - a few consecutive months of soreness I've ever experienced! In the meantime, we talked more, and more. We got to know one another.  I continued to cry, as did others.  Transformation and letting go is an odd thing.

The third session had to do with teaching prep. And I panicked. We started by teaching one another and I froze...and cried. What was with all the crying!?!?  I was uncomfortable and that was the end of the fun for me, right in that instant. Vulnerability in front of others is a powerful thing....

By now it was March, and as we got closer and closer to the end of Teacher Training I wasn't really any more comfortable standing before a class of strangers and teaching them ANYTHING! They were beginners and I never had beginners mind, I just did what Wendy told me!! Where was Wendy!?!?

In my "you need to face your fears" logic, I signed up to be the first teacher of the first group of students....somehow, that really was exactly how I wanted it to go. 

It was fantastic!  I was able to teach twice the first day and it was such a relief to have it over with that by the end of the second class, I really wanted to teach a third!

We had our graduation shortly afterward and it was genuinely one of the singlemost humbling experiences I've ever had...followed by being placed in the center of the circle made by other students who said what they thought about me and hoped for my future.

I am signed up to sub for classes at the studio and really hope to be able to do this more frequently - even if I never have my own class. I've learned so much about myself and my abilities though this experience; I wouldn't trade it for anything!

The First of Many....2008

I typed this up and sent it to my Mother-in-Law...and then decided to send it to the rest of my family...oh, and co-workers! Yes, it's from 2008 - but I thought it would be appropriate that this would be the first, of many, stories:

Last Saturday was entertaining, and I’ll try my best to express the hilarious events that unfolded: we bought a new king size mattress – let me back up: you know how the stairway from the main level to upstairs in our house is steep and closely followed by a low ceiling making it especially difficult to bring items up from down and taken down from up. That being said, we bought a king mattress knowing it would have to be taken from the back yard, up over the deck and railing and into our bedroom. We got home from Gillette – our neighbors probably already think we’re crazy – and dropped the dogs off in the back yard, pulled around and got the trailer and left again. Got the mattress and came back – neighbors still outside looking at their watches and probably thinking "this is going to be good". So the box springs are easy of course and can actually be taken up the stairs…get those in the house…done.

Now, Patrick has done this miraculous transformation into the Incredible Hulk and believes that we (apparently when he’s The Hulk, I’m Mrs. The Hulk), yes WE, can maneuver this mattress across the yard and simply pull it up the deck with a rope…using sheer muscular force…I said no, and he simply said "grab the other end". Ok, fine…so when I couldn’t get it off of the trailer, I just started laughing, this of course just didn’t help the situation. I suggested that since I couldn’t carry the mattress we go get a tarp to pull the mattress across the yard on…so this is how it goes, and it works out really great. We get the mattress over to where it should be and look up….at this point I’m hopeful that Patrick has caught on to the notion that since we couldn’t carry it across they yard together we wouldn’t be able to simply tie a rope onto this behemoth and hoist ‘er up onto the deck. He hadn’t caught on….so he gets the rope tied, and now we're hanging over the railing on the 2nd story, trying to pull up the mattress…it didn’t budge. So I suggest getting the ATV, hooking the rope onto that and pulling the mattress up that way – yes, we are officially rednecks and I’m sure the banjo music was blaring.

Ok, so in order to do this we have to unload the garage, get the ATV out and drive it around the house to the gate…by now we have the neighbor’s FULL attention – we’re a spectator sport you see…. We get the rope hooked onto the ATV, and it pulls the mattress up just fine because we are still using the deck railing and a tree branch for leverage….what a good deck we had (yes, had…this comes into play later in the story). Now, the mattress is dangling perilously from the railing and once again we are hanging over the edge trying to pull it up and over – once again it doesn’t budge. I decide we need to get the dead weight off of the rope and mattress, and should support it somehow….I ask about the new jack in the garage….Patrick dryly (at this point I’ve been laughing about 2 hours and he’s still surprisingly un-amused) states that the jack only goes to 22"….well obviously that isn’t enough, so in my excitement I shout "SCAFFOLDING, WE NEED TO SET UP THE SCAFFOLDING"….you know, as if that was the answer to the $1MM question. Yes, we still have Carl's scaffolding…how handy this has just become… So now we’re running around like on one of those personal challenge survivor-type shows as if we’re in a race against time….as if there is a financial payoff at the end of the scaffolding assembly. Ok, scaffolding is up, and the mattress weight is now on one of the planks….Patrick, the dear, still thinks with pure brut he can push this mattress 5’ over his head from where he’s standing on a plank up over the top of the deck railing and ta-da! Yeah, I didn’t think so either, but you’ve got to love his determination. Once again, up on the deck leaning over to PULL the mattress…and of course, once again it doesn’t work… I begin quizzing him on the saw selection in the garage…so the deck railing is now cut off, the mattress is shoved onto the flat surface since it no longer has to go up and over anything…and it is in our room…

No, he has yet to ask me why we needed a king size mattress
No, he has yet to remind me that I have created more work since we now need a new deck railing
No, he has yet to actually sleep in the new bed
Yes, I still think this is ridiculously funny!
3 years later the bed story is still the source of many laughs in the Hahn house...at least for the one with the pictures!.

About Me....

True stuff really is the funniest stuff....

For those of you that know him, my Husband, Patrick, is quiet (compared to me) and keeps to himself (also...compared to me). He's loving, kind, conservative and absolutely hilarious; this blog is being started mostly because he said to me a few weeks ago "you should write a book - because of my ability to do stupid shit and your ability to write it down and send it out to everyone". I thought that was hilarious! Let it be known: the first time he did something stupid and I wrote it down and sent it out....well, he was less than enthused! He's coming around...

We have 3 dogs, who deserve their own Blog...but they have no thumbs...so I'll do the typing.  We also have a house under constant construction/repair/change...once again, deserving of it's own Blog.

Thank you for visiting my Blog and laughing along with me at true stuff!
-Allison.