Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Writing as Therapy

I haven’t been watching much TV lately. Now that it is summer, there isn’t much on – I did, however, catch Ryan and Tatum O’Neal’s show today. That is a relationship that has had many highs and many lows. Though I have not read Tatum’s first book, I do understand why Ryan was hurt by it. Even more so, I understand why Tatum wrote it and that writing is highly therapeutic.

Here are the questions: Is it appropriate for a member of a family to write condemning things about another member, and is it alright to air dirty laundry publicly? On the other hand: Why shouldn’t someone share their life and the good and bad experiences they have had? Watching these two try and work through their relationship has awoken a few things within me that I deliberately buried and purposely chose to forget where.

My own father and I had a tumultuous relationship, and he would deny everything if I wrote it all down for the world to see. This is mostly because he has an extremely warped memory and sense of blame, ownership, fault, reality and truth. He would tell me how none of those things ever happened, what a terrible daughter I am, explain how stupid I am and ask who brainwashed me. Just for reference: that’s how each of my conversations with him has ended….and it’s also why I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10 years.

Why is it more acceptable to write and share stories about people who have outstanding success and are well-loved than to write and share stories about men who were so belligerent to their children that those children will never speak to their father again? I, for one, don’t see a problem putting it all out there.  We are all owners of everything about us….good or bad, and whether you want to be or not. At the end of the day, things that happen make us who we are. Why not share those things? It’s not about my father, it’s about me and how I felt and feel about closing the door on my relationship with him and coming to terms with the fact that our relationship was our relationship. It was never going to change. It would never magically become what I had hoped for it to be. It was what it was. Take it or leave it…when I couldn’t take it anymore, I left it. I wasn’t forced out of it; I chose to give it up. I am the owner of that choice, and I absolutely do not regret it.

So, back to the first question – is it appropriate for a member of a family to write about other members? I say go for it. They can choose to accept it or not. I don’t think people should live their lives in fear of doing something so terrible it becomes worthy of being written about - nor should they strive for such notable greatness – but I do think people should own up to things they have done and take credit for it. If my father had been a knight in shining armor opposed to a jerk wrapped in tin foil, that would have definitely been noteworthy. If my father had any ability to take credit for the relationships with his children being what they were, that would have been great and equally noteworthy: stepping up to the plate, correcting wrongs, moving forward.

New question: does it matter when someone takes ownership? That's where there are hangups. There are many relationships, that if the other person called or reached out in any way, shape or form, I would let everything go and move forward without questioning it. If my father called me tomorrow and apologized for things that he has said and done, it wouldn’t prompt me to run into his arms telling him how much I missed him. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t answer the phone. That ship has sailed.

Is that fair? Maybe it is dependent upon how many times a relationship has been tried and failed for various reasons. Is there a scale – what is the weight of the damage done? Does it matter who caused the damage: friends vs. family?  

What it boils down to is this: relationships and their dynamics are ever-changing between any two people. Even they may have opposing opinions of their own relationship. Sometimes you just can't worry about it anymore and have to let it go, whether that process is in print or not.

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