Girls are Super, Girls are Terrific, Boys Stink!

The title was painted on a beach towel that hung in my room growing up.  My mother was a genius! The alternate title to this post was "Letting Go".

3 blog posts were started last night. None were finished today, and here’s why: 

Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows I am a highly-emotional being. I am very in touch with my emotions and have no problem expressing or sharing them. I get frustrated when emotional conversations aren’t reciprocated or when another person fails to show or discuss theirs.

In the course of 24-hours, I went from having the single-most amazing supporter in my corner to having someone who refuses to respond to me. This has happened once before – and it doesn't hurt any less the second time around. When someone just sort of stops responding and there is no gradual decline in the relationship or even a huge blowout, just one big ignore, there is no closure. Of course, nothing about this is made any easier by the fact that he is a man and I am a woman.

The first time this happened, I lost my best friend because he got engaged and is too immature to be friends with anyone pre-engagement (or maybe this was her request), so in my infinite hurt and anger, I sent a simple “go fuck yourself” text message.  Perhaps not the most adult approach, but it was my emotional hurt and frustration and disappointment all wrapped into 3 little words.

I have worked through my own 12-step program today; it is irrational, a bit nutty and a lot crazy (and subject to change), but it is mine and, as usual, I totally own it.

Conversation from previous evening seemed normal.
Next day:

Step 1.  
Send funny text message.

Step 2.
Send sarcastic text message a few hours later.

Step 3.
Repeat step 1 a few hours after step 2. 

Step 4.
Facebook stalk and realize this person is checking theirs. Debate crying over realizing you really are being ignored.

Step 5.
Instantly send private message and hold your breath.

Step 6.
Wait for step five to be marked as read and send two more. (The second of which was the utterly irrational and pointless, “Seriously? You’re not going to answer me?”)

Step 7.
Let your heart sink as you realize that no messages, text or otherwise, are going to be replied to. Cry.

Step 8.
Debate calling said person, only to come to the conclusion it will only go to voice mail.

Step 9a.
Get angry. Debate leaving ranting voicemail demanding answers, only to realize you don’t know how to delete it if you forget something and know you refuse to send a 2^nd voicemail or leave any points untouched. Writing notes before calling seems too rehearsed because you know you’d list off the bullet points.

Step 9b.
Quickly debate leaving softer-toned voicemail requesting a call back so you can work through whatever the problem is, only to realize they still won’t be responding. Continue sobbing.

Step 10.
Get Angry. Debate un-friending said person on Facebook. That will show them that you will not be ignored and that you don’t even care if they are a part of your life anymore.

Step 11.
Understand that un-friending them is not even remotely close to what you want - Facebook or in real life. It is too final and too drastic since, after all, you don’t actually know why they’re ignoring you to begin with, so you change all of your privacy settings to leave them out of your proverbial Facebook loop.

Step 12.
Cry. Again. And realize that you absolutely DO NOT want to lose this person, that you want to get to the bottom of the problem, apologize profusely (and genuinely mean it) and fix it. Change privacy settings to include this person and hope that they eventually get back to you.

Okay, fine. I get it. I’m the creator of my own misery and this is self-torture. I also understand there’s nothing I can do about it. It blows. In a panic that I shouldn’t be in – I typically feel that if someone wants to bow out, you ought to let them. I don’t want to this time. Silently whisper, “Please don’t bow out.”

Pandora knows I’m going through a rough time. It is playing lots of Mariah Carey and Boys II Men…. “End of the Road”. Great. Oh and Carly Rae Jepson’s “Call me Maybe”. Then I listened to “Some Nights” by Fun. BTW the lead singer sings my new favorite duet with P!nk!! Now Lady Gaga is singing about a poker face. I have no poker face. Here is my equivalent: here is my table, here are my cards. Your turn. Readdddddy? GO!

Unfortunately the other person doesn’t give a shit…and it feels lonely here with my cards, table and apology ready for the giving.  Hopefully it works out. If not, well, I’ll move on. That’s the point of all of this, right? To move on, one way or another?

There is a secret step 13. Talk to someone you've been friends with since elementary school, nobody knows you better, and lay it all on the line. Cry a little. Laugh a lot. Get over it. Realize the 12 other steps don't matter, what will happen will happen. Let it go.