Well-adjusted. What does that even mean?!?! As described by the synonyms on Word: Stable. Normal. Happy. Secure.
How about simply 'adjusted'. Sometimes it is challenging, to say the least, to be or do things 'well' period, let alone 'well' hyphenated anything.
We go through life coping with things and adjusting to them, none of them 'well'. A little tweak here, a little tweak there, 180* turn to this and complete denial about that. All adjustments. Each should have a level of difficulty assigned to it. A technical rating. The smaller the tweak, the smaller the level of difficulty. The greater the denial - well, now we're talkin'!!
How many of us can really say we are adjusting 'well'? If it is thought that one is excelling at being a jerk, they will most likely succeed in upping the ante in denial. If it is thought that one is doing something fantastic and achieving their dreams and goals, they are most likely going to succeed at denial in not wanting to draw attention to themselves. I see a trend here.....
Why is it we can all see what we think and not what we know?
We think we aren't as awful as we can be and don't know we are as powerful as we are. Or for those that need to reel it in a bit: in constantly telling everyone how wonderful they think they are - it is thought that they are not.
I have no idea where I'm going with this. It's late. I can't sleep and the dogs are taking up 1/2 of the bed. Regrouping....
Being adjusted, or well-adjusted for that matter, has got to come from within. I figure this not from experience but because that seems logical. Look - as many people don't want to be like their parents for one reason or another, where else would learning to adjust come from but each individual?
Discomfort. Discomfort causes adjustment. Now we're getting somewhere and nowhere at the same time.
It comes in many forms and even more adjectives. Most recently for me it came in a very abrupt response to seeing a class schedule that involved 3 cadaver sessions. I don't think so! No way in Hell is somebody's aunt/uncle/mother/father/grandparent/child/sibling/cousin/neighbor going to be my science experiment. My discomfort, one of many, lies in death. Period. Being with a cadaver is not anywhere near my level of comfort or acceptance. I will order the plastic skeletons and muscle groups from the Internet. Thank you.
Apparently this makes me not well-adjusted by definition. However, I am adjusted. I have changed my course of action due to discomfort, however severe. The interest in the classes also comes from discomfort and wanting to proceed in a new direction. Even when there's a positive spin on the decision or adjustment, it is derived out of some level of discomfort.
The way I see it: recognize the discomfort and move with or around it until whatever it is works. That's got to be the key to being well-adjusted vs. simply adjusted.
That notion has faults, there are plenty of things and people I absolutely walk away from because I cannot tolerate the level of discomfort or figure out a way to make adjustments. But, then, maybe the part about being well-adjusted is knowing when something has run it's course and it's time to move on.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Presentation
It’s all about presentation. Food. Drinks. Marketing. Dress codes. The way we say things.
I made a Facebook post asking for help looking for a certain type of chile, as it is that time of year. Opposed to answering the question of ‘does anyone know how much a bushel is’ with a yes, no or an amount, I received, instead, other chile options. One of them was suggested quite nicely and I think I’ll try that one. One person simply questioned my choice and redirected me toward what he suggested in the “I’m-serious-but-this-winking-smiley-face-looks-like-I’m-kidding way”. (Actually, I totally love this guy, so I do think he was being funny!) A third person was genuine and simply gave me the name of a place to find what I was looking for. Then there was a final post – this one clearly unhelpful, rude and totally lacking presentation. First of all, he described was I was looking for as “lousy” and posted “yuck!” and went on to tell me where to get them if I ‘must have them’. No further suggestion. Okay. I get it. You don’t like what I like – in all fairness, that’s perfectly acceptable.
What is it that leads one to believe that a simple question calls for an insult for a response? I’m not his buddy, his pal, his sister….I’m some chick he went to high school with that I haven’t seen in 12 years and we happen to be Facebook 'friends'.
I’m not angry, irritated or annoyed by the reply. Instead, it is called into question for showing up on my radar as a lack of presentation by someone I don’t exactly know. In all fairness, he doesn’t know me either. No, this isn't where I attempt to have my attitude go from 10 to 1,000 in .00003 seconds in the form of “YOU don’t know ME!!”. This simply questions the reply itself. If you don’t know your audience, it is simply better to be polite rather than insulting. The insult was uncalled for and really out of line with the question posed.
I made a Facebook post asking for help looking for a certain type of chile, as it is that time of year. Opposed to answering the question of ‘does anyone know how much a bushel is’ with a yes, no or an amount, I received, instead, other chile options. One of them was suggested quite nicely and I think I’ll try that one. One person simply questioned my choice and redirected me toward what he suggested in the “I’m-serious-but-this-winking-smiley-face-looks-like-I’m-kidding way”. (Actually, I totally love this guy, so I do think he was being funny!) A third person was genuine and simply gave me the name of a place to find what I was looking for.
What was I supposed to say? I know what I wanted to say – it was going to be just as presentation-lacking as, and coincidentally rhyming with, “yuck!” and would have ignored the small amount of grace and humility I have managed to acquire. So, instead, I wrote back that I was unsure how to respond to the insult but that I appreciated him for taking the time to reply. No F-Bomb dropped, grace and humility intact.
Still I go back to what isn’t acceptable: the way in which the reply was presented. There were so many other options for a comment, the first one being none at all. The second one could have been a suggestion and perhaps a reason or two as to why the suggestion is preferred – it could have included why the original chile wasn’t preferred using something more articulate than “yuck” and “lousy”. What is it that leads one to believe that a simple question calls for an insult for a response? I’m not his buddy, his pal, his sister….I’m some chick he went to high school with that I haven’t seen in 12 years and we happen to be Facebook 'friends'.
I’m not angry, irritated or annoyed by the reply. Instead, it is called into question for showing up on my radar as a lack of presentation by someone I don’t exactly know. In all fairness, he doesn’t know me either. No, this isn't where I attempt to have my attitude go from 10 to 1,000 in .00003 seconds in the form of “YOU don’t know ME!!”. This simply questions the reply itself. If you don’t know your audience, it is simply better to be polite rather than insulting. The insult was uncalled for and really out of line with the question posed.
Perhaps I ask too much of people. Oh, who are we kidding? I set the bar so high there’s no possible way for others to not fail. You know it, I know it, and really, it should come as no surprise. It isn’t something I strive for, but I'm not uncomfortable with it either. I can’t help but wonder what my reaction would be from someone I am close to. Would I take it as poor presentation? Would people that know me better not respond to a generic question with an insult to begin with?
As I did the final read-through of this post, I received another Facebook reply from him stating "not intended as an insult, just a comment :-)". Perhaps the original reply was meant as more of a comment opposed to an insult, but it didn't come across that way, and therein lies the problem.
It’s all about presentation.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Perspective
I find it interesting how others perceive me. Within the past month or so I've been given a lot of insight - most of it was volunteered to me. I know, right, nobody likes when somebody else's opinion of them is put out there - but this has really been welcome!
First of all, my Uncle posed a question which I answered and his reply was "I've never met anyone so comfortable with their own dysfunction". This was a surprising answer to say the least. Look, if you're the owner of whatever it is that other people call into question and if you're honest about it, the judgment can really only go so far. If you're argumentative and defend yourself without need, well, people act like piranhas that haven't eaten in 2 weeks and will eat you alive before you even know what happened. I don't pull any punches. Being up front and open means nobody has anything to talk about because everyone already knows and it is old news.
A few days after this I was told by a friend how conscious I am of everything and everyone. Never before have I thought of it in this way. Unsure. Worrywart. Obsessive. Nervous. Neurotic. Spaz. Mess. All of these things come to mind....not conscious! What a wonderful way to look at that! Quite often I wish I could go through life without noticing everything all the time. It takes so much painstaking examination. I put myself in everyone else's shoes and it takes forever to compose an email because I think about the person I am sending it to and how it will be received. A simple blog post takes many revisions because the people written about are done so in a loving way, but I'm concerned because it is in print and may come across poorly.
Last year I was told by a woman I had just met at a party that I looked like I had it all together. I chalked it up to her absolute friendliness. Since then though I have been told that there's no way I would have self-esteem issues and I am always very confident.
Speechless. As usual, it's news to me.
I was always the last one picked for sports in elementary school. The last one to know the newest, latest, greatest, IT thing. The one who always needed some obscure punch line explained and until recently, I hadn't embraced being all that funny either. There cannot possibly be any way to overcome that and transform into being confident. So either I play all of this off very, very well or others are better at pinpointing me than I am. I feel like a disaster most of the time and quite uncomfortable in my own skin. Dysfunction is one thing, skin is by far another.
Bizarrely enough, the very thing I was afraid of, turning 30, is the very thing that is helping me. I constantly find myself saying "I'm 30, this is BS and I don't have to put up with it" or "I'm 30, I don't care about that anymore". Of course, the 'I'm 30' part is irrelevant but seems to be the justification in any statement. None of the negative things remembered from the past matter anymore. It doesn't matter who picked who for 1st, 2nd, 3rd or any other grade kick ball. It doesn't matter that I did not play sports because not only am I unenthusiastic about them but I barely understand the rules to begin with. It doesn't matter what went or still goes over my head. People at parties don't know these things and if they did, they wouldn't care.
'I'm 30' needs to be part of the "I'm 30 and it's time to be comfortable in my own skin" statement. It's time to be the way that others see me. And really, without the 'I'm 30', the sentiment is the same.
It's time to just be me.
First of all, my Uncle posed a question which I answered and his reply was "I've never met anyone so comfortable with their own dysfunction". This was a surprising answer to say the least. Look, if you're the owner of whatever it is that other people call into question and if you're honest about it, the judgment can really only go so far. If you're argumentative and defend yourself without need, well, people act like piranhas that haven't eaten in 2 weeks and will eat you alive before you even know what happened. I don't pull any punches. Being up front and open means nobody has anything to talk about because everyone already knows and it is old news.
A few days after this I was told by a friend how conscious I am of everything and everyone. Never before have I thought of it in this way. Unsure. Worrywart. Obsessive. Nervous. Neurotic. Spaz. Mess. All of these things come to mind....not conscious! What a wonderful way to look at that! Quite often I wish I could go through life without noticing everything all the time. It takes so much painstaking examination. I put myself in everyone else's shoes and it takes forever to compose an email because I think about the person I am sending it to and how it will be received. A simple blog post takes many revisions because the people written about are done so in a loving way, but I'm concerned because it is in print and may come across poorly.
Last year I was told by a woman I had just met at a party that I looked like I had it all together. I chalked it up to her absolute friendliness. Since then though I have been told that there's no way I would have self-esteem issues and I am always very confident.
Speechless. As usual, it's news to me.
I was always the last one picked for sports in elementary school. The last one to know the newest, latest, greatest, IT thing. The one who always needed some obscure punch line explained and until recently, I hadn't embraced being all that funny either. There cannot possibly be any way to overcome that and transform into being confident. So either I play all of this off very, very well or others are better at pinpointing me than I am. I feel like a disaster most of the time and quite uncomfortable in my own skin. Dysfunction is one thing, skin is by far another.
Bizarrely enough, the very thing I was afraid of, turning 30, is the very thing that is helping me. I constantly find myself saying "I'm 30, this is BS and I don't have to put up with it" or "I'm 30, I don't care about that anymore". Of course, the 'I'm 30' part is irrelevant but seems to be the justification in any statement. None of the negative things remembered from the past matter anymore. It doesn't matter who picked who for 1st, 2nd, 3rd or any other grade kick ball. It doesn't matter that I did not play sports because not only am I unenthusiastic about them but I barely understand the rules to begin with. It doesn't matter what went or still goes over my head. People at parties don't know these things and if they did, they wouldn't care.
'I'm 30' needs to be part of the "I'm 30 and it's time to be comfortable in my own skin" statement. It's time to be the way that others see me. And really, without the 'I'm 30', the sentiment is the same.
It's time to just be me.
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