Let me tell you something about you that you don’t know!

A few weeks ago our office participated in Insights Discovery. It begins with a word-association rating test that most of us sort of blew off and found irrelevant. Turns out it’s relevant and is based on Psychiatrist Carl Jung’s many years of Analytical Psychology. It is rather interesting and involved yet simple in presentation. This would have been handy information to have before participating. Basically, for the rest of us, it boils down to a personality test.

Mine was funny. Accurate, but true stuff is the funniest stuff! Rules are important to me as shown by their reappearance throughout my profile. True. I get antsy when someone breaks the rules; I hate being in trouble. Painstaking was another attribute that came up. True. When trying to solve a problem I don’t give up until it is solved. This is why I have begun to avoid problems in the first place – brilliant! Painstaking = exhausting. I am quizzical and probing, their description, not mine. Poor Patrick! I ask him question after question after question – and then follow that up immediately with “ANSWER ME!”….how lovely it must be on the receiving end of that!

The strengths are great – a real self-esteem booster. The weaknesses are much more noteworthy! ‘Can resist by being passive yet stubborn simultaneously’ What?! Personally, I think being passive yet stubborn simultaneously makes the conversation more interesting!

Strategies for communicating with me are hysterical and totally true! ‘Ensure she sees and agrees with the benefit of change before implementation’ ‘Do not touch her if you can avoid it’ ‘Do not hug her unexpectedly or at an inappropriate moment’ This is great stuff because I find myself often saying “why are you touching me!?!” ‘Do not give lengthy verbal instructions’ Correct. I will stop paying attention and then ask you to repeat yourself; that’s where I find the synopsis of what you meant to begin with.

I did learn something quite handy ‘Allison will benefit from assuming permission rather than seeking it’. Lightbulb! I just felt my Williams-Sonoma and Sur la Table budget grow by leaps and bounds!! Something not handy: ‘Allison may benefit from wearing something outrageous to work when it is least expected!’ My interpretation: ‘put on some whore-clothes and join the rest of downtown’!

The profile, even the things that are not flattering, is presented in a way that lessens the blow and doesn’t make you out to be the world’s leading asshole….or, um, the foremost overly-conservative rule-follower for that matter. This is a multi-page spiral-bound booklet of personality traits and I didn’t disagree with any of it. Patrick didn’t either, which I found funny. And, really, not so funny at the same time. It is, by far, one thing to be a certain way at work. To apply those same personality traits at home and ask, “why are you touching me!?!” may not be a relationship builder. I know, SHOCKER, right!?

I loved the Insights and wish I had them earlier - would have made dating easier. I'd like the family version....my goofball sister, if-you-don’t-know-I’m-not-telling-you dad and I-don’t-proof-read-my-texts mother would be a lot easier to handle if it was spelled out on paper!

Off to further expand my kitchen gadgetry and hoping nobody hugs me unexpectedly while I’m shopping!

Memorial Week Recap....

With our work schedules, Patrick and I were able to take 10 days away from the city and use only 3 days of vacation – it was fantastic! We spent Memorial week in Buena Vista – my parents own a house there on the Arkansas.

We drove up the Friday and it was gorgeous! Blue skies, a little snow left on the peaks and the mountain ranches all turning green! The river seemed like it was raging when we got there from the beginning of runoff. Little did we know, it would change daily and become even higher and run faster. They kayakers and rafters come down throughout the day; watching them navigate (or fail to) through the rocks can be scary! Some of the kayakers flip over and take what feels like forever for them to resurface! The rafters are like lemmings and when one falls out, there are usually others that follow suit – talk about a yard sale down the river. Bodies and paddles dispersed everywhere – especially after the raft has bounced off of a rock!

Patrick wants to start kayaking….does this make me Mrs. Kayaker? I’m already Mrs. The Hulk, and that seems sufficient. Looks cold – and like a lot of work. And how do you hold your beer when you’re paddling? I see no cup holder on the kayak either. Seems like poor planning – just saying! And the helmet will smoosh my hair….doesn’t matter that I always wear it up, it would still be smooshed. Rafting is no different – still looks cold and everyone on the raft has a job…and none of them seem to include sitting and enjoying a beer. I could, however get used to the endless woo-hooing and hi-paddles after completing an obstacle…I happen to be a Grade-A excellent woo-hooer!  

We took Independence Pass into Aspen one day – there is still SO much snow! Quite amazing actually and would be absolutely breathtaking to see how it looked with full accumulation this winter! There are fresh tracks from skiers and boarders. Again, WAY too much work for this girl. Hiking in ski boots is out of the question. And anything called “skins” for my skis can stay at the store. Hiking those ridges in snowshoes would still be out of the question.  Hauling skis, gear, avalanche beacons, shovels and whatever other necessities, um, not going to happen! And how do you get the cooler up there? I suppose the beer keeps itself plenty cold in the backpack next to the shovel.

Aspen = not impressed. Everything there is market price and there are not many address markers. Ok, fine. My reasoning was if you are in Aspen, you can afford Aspen and don’t need to know (nor do you probably care) what things cost.  $4.57/gallon gas is interesting. I’ll leave it at that (we work for oil and gas companies, I’m very well aware of the fact that there’s only so much mentioning, complaining, noticing or bitching we’re allowed to do publicly at the cost of all things oil and gas related before the hypocrisy is highlighted).  

There’s 1 Starbucks in Aspen. Yes – 1. I have the Starbucks locater and it located 1. O-N-E!! Not only is it hidden and Google Maps couldn’t even find it, but they are open from 7-12. Seriously, 5 whole hours. Why bother? By the way – INK! Coffee is a poor substitute for Starbucks, and they’re open all damn day, of course. Patrick, at first, thought perhaps this was because Ink! is local to Colorado.  He threw this idea out the window immediately while we walked past Prada, Ralph Lauren, Burberry (LOVE them!), Ermenegildo Zegna and Louis Vuitton to name a few. Basically, everything I can also find in Cherry Creek or a much desired trip to LA.

In Buena there is an Alco. This is hands down the best garage sale/$4 store EVER! Everything you've never needed and instantly want is contained in this place! Next to the beauty products are the outdoor supplies. Yes, I need saline solution, sunblock annnnnd....oh wait, what's this!?!? A trampoline, pellet guns AND neon tikki torches! SOLD! You get to the checkout line to find an assortment of gummy candy and gaudy watches...YAY! Sadly, the Alco employees take things too seriously do not participate in the "look what I found" game, nor do they help you beat your opponent in the "who can find the most ridiculous crap" game. Fine. I'll do it myself!

By the time we got back to Buena from Aspen, I was happy to be in down to earth company.  We picked up a few property fliers and went to dinner. I had the fliers on the table, the restaurant manager/owner seemed more than excited at the prospect of new people in town – very cool! Buena people are very outgoing, friendly and absolutely welcoming to visitors…..

Patrick and I are talking about leaving the city behind for a much different lifestyle in the mountains, and we have found a place to begin our search. Amazing what can change in just 1 week - happy house hunting!

 

All Downhill From Here.....

I turned 30. 3 days ago.  Already, I’m falling apart. 

Took myself for a walk Sunday, on my Birthday (technically two walks), a total of 12 miles. The second 6 miles I did with MacKenzie, the Westie, who is by far the smallest animal in the house – and I had her run parts of it with me.  She had been outside all day and was probably tired before the walk even got started, but she has huge heart and went the whole way by my side! I giggled when I got home and she was asleep almost immediately. I shouldn’t have done that.  By the end of the day, my ankles were swollen and bruised, my knees hurt and my calves and shins were totally achy and like Jell-O.  I have been walking miles each day for the past several weeks – what gives!?!?

I’ll tell you what gives: I am officially old and my body is revolting against me.  29: 12 miles = no problem. Overnight, I turned 30: 12 miles = what feels like a broken ankle, sore feet and knees that don’t want to bend or help hold me upright. Stairs are out of the question at this point because they take me F-O-R-E-V-E-R!

Due to my “physical ailments”, I bought new tennis shoes. My body, from the knees down, laughs at them. I tell the shoes not to worry, as the rest of me, from the knees up, is being laughed at too.

Compounding the issue: I currently weigh more than I ever have. By 4 lbs. I don’t think this is causing the ankle troubles, I’m not that nuts. My mother, unlike my body, is kind to me and insists it is muscle weight.  I love my mother – have I mentioned this previously!?! I hate the scale.  And my pants. My pants and the scale are in cahoots with my ankles. They’re all out to get me. I eat vegetables and fruit and drink milk – it’s supposed to do a body good.  Whose body? I need an example because it certainly isn’t mine.  

Maybe I could be couch-bound.  Daytime TV is awful, but I have NetFlix and Facebook and could really afford to spend a little more time writing for the Blog. Porter could learn to open the fridge door and bring me things and Sophie seems most likely to learn how to make microwave popcorn.  MacKenzie…well, she’s a great snuggler, so she’ll be on the sofa with me. Brilliant!

Wait – who will help me get to the bathroom? And why doesn’t Starbucks deliver!? And who would answer the door if they did?  After careful consideration and review, I have decided the couch will just have to be reserved for evenings and weekends. 

Bribery. If I offer my ankles a post-walk Bloody Mary, perhaps they would be more cooperative?  Well, if nothing else, that will make me care less if they’re swollen and bruised.

Cheers!

The BIG 3-0

As my dreaded 30^th Birthday arrives, I can’t help but notice that others are keeping track of events, like a top 30, of things they have done leading up to the “big day”.  I’m just not that interesting. 

I live in a corner house with 3 dogs and am 1 rocking chair short of being the crazy lady on the front porch that yells at cars to slow down. This is not top-30-worthy. It also isn’t my fault: Patrick won’t buy me the chair.

I tried to start a top 30 and it didn’t turn out so great. No sky diving, crab fishing, climbing Everest, bungee jumping or snake wrangling in Cambodia. I gave up on the list because after number 7 or 8, I ran out of things. Yes, ran out. Even after expanding the parameter from 30 days to 1 whole year, I was stuck. Then I began adding absolutely ridiculous things that were a stretch to say the very least, just to see if I could even make it to 30 things. Some of it may have been fabricated – don’t judge!

My 30^th Birthday has been something I’ve focused on since I was, well, probably 19. What if I don’t accomplish much/anything before then? What exactly am I supposed to accomplish? Who makes the list of things to do? Do I make the list? Skip ahead to uh-oh, I’m 25 and there is no list! Cut to now, 5 days before my 30^th, and there is still no list to be had for what I was supposed to accomplish by now. 

There’s that show on the Travel Channel called Burt the Conqueror.  From the commercials, I don’t see many conquests, just a guy doing kid stuff and appearing to have a great time doing it! He may be on to something – but really, being a kid wasn’t my gig even when I was one, so the likelihood of me being a BIG kid now is totally out of the question. Honestly, I’ve never thought I missed out on all that much and adding kid-like things to the list just isn’t me.

Pretty sure whatever I was “supposed” to do, I’ve probably done, and anything I’ve missed can be taken care of later. Later than now…but before 40…better get started! And where is Patrick with that chair!?!?

My Mother....

My mother is my favorite person on this planet.  She has to be.  She has the infinite wisdom to say things like, “I’m lost because I don’t know where I am…...” and ultimate denial that she’s anything like my Grandmother.  I get that from her and deny, deny, deny to Patrick that I am my mother. When I’m mad I have her voice and from the bridge of the nose up, I look like her – all great stuff that I’m learning to embrace! My mother passes no judgment and encourages me to do whatever I want; I get that from her too.

When I was probably 7 or 8 and wanted a new Easter dress, she figured out how to buy one at Wal-Mart even though we didn’t have the money - a memory that brings tears to my eyes 20+ years later. We used to play "restaurant" and I remember making a gingerbread house while watching Jaws (don't judge!). At the end of my 5^th grade year, she let me leave school a couple of weeks early to go to New York to visit family with my Grandparents for a whole month!

She tells stories of my upbringing that show instances of boredom (she calls it "creativity") on her behalf.  Like telling me to "sit like a lady" which apparently had me stop what I was doing and sit down, then cross my legs (may explain my prudish behavior as an adult!). Helping me learn how to walk - she put the stiffest soled shoes on me that she could find thinking that would be helpful with balance. She strung pipe cleaners through the holes on my pacifier and looped them around my ears so I wouldn't be so inclined (read: able) to spit it out. 

She insists on referring to herself as “Bella” when talking to the dogs because she thinks if she plants the seed now, my children will call her that too.  I’m going to get them to call her “Old Lady” instead. Her favorite answer is, “HEY! I made that”.  “Yah, I know Mom, in 1988. Time to let it go….Joe’s going to be 23…you made it before he was born.”

My mother just wants everyone to be happy, comfortable and have a place to stay…..and this is how our conversations go when I’m visiting her:

M: “Are you going out with friends while you’re here?”

A: “I don’t know. Maybe.”

M: “Why don’t you just have them come here?”

A: (‘To do what!?!?!’) Blank stare.

M: “Are you going to dinner first?”

A: “I don’t know, maybe. But you always make plenty of food, so even if I stay here, I won’t starve.”

M: “You should have everyone meet here before you go out.”

A: (‘Who is everyone and how many people does she think I know?’) Blank stare.

M: “Why don’t you have your friends over – I’ll make dinner for everyone!?”

A: (‘Uhhh – is this Junior Prom?’) blank stare

M: “Just invite everyone over; you can have the basement.”

A: (‘Who are all of these people she keeps referring to?)
M: “Better yet, have them over tomorrow and you can all lounge by the pool; wouldn’t that be FUN!!!!?”
A: Blank stare.

That is literally how fast the conversation moves…..and typically without me. 

Mom and I ask questions in 3’s and make statements even faster; drives the rest of the world nuts, but that’s how we communicate.  And lots of hand gestures – we could have a whole conversation with arms flailing and no actual words. Put it this way: I’ve noticed people pay more attention to my arms flying around than to the words coming out of my mouth – yes, it’s THAT bad!

My mother is one of the most hilarious, genuine, giving people I’ve ever met and I’m so fortunate that we are close and have a fantastic relationship! Every year, she lets me know the day I was due and what she was doing.  Then most days after that, and for almost a month until my Birthday, she remembers what she was doing before I arrived. On my Birthday, she recalls the events of her day which apparently include vacuuming and sending my Uncle off to school before going to the hospital.  Pretty cool!  Everyone should be so lucky……

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MAMA!!

Bring on the Chainsaw

I’ve always been a fan of the Discovery Channel, animals, nature….etc. It was even a part of my application letter to CSU. Critters are cute, raccoons have those little hands, squirrels can hang upside down (from my bird feeders while the dogs bark at them) and large game are magnificent. Bears are scary as hell but the cubs are hysterical with absolutely zero control over their bodies. Birds – okay, they need some freaking manners!

Every morning before 5AM they start singing. For what? Then, miraculously, when the sun comes up they stop. REALLY!?!? Now, on top of the regular birds, my trees have become the nesting grounds for hawks. Don’t ask what kind, I know nothing other than they must be the kind that live somewhere and bug the hell out of a homeowner for LIFE and never leave. A few summers ago they arrived. I thought this was pretty cool because I am an idiot and had no idea what we were getting into. Sophie points at them mercilessly, Porter is annoyed by their never ending squealing and squawking and MacKenzie isn’t allowed outside unsupervised.

Cut to now: they have made their residence outside my bedroom window. Great. They have many nests built and have officially taken over – doesn’t this make them squatters?  The neighbor and his son have decided to start videotaping them.  You ever have a video camera pointed directly at your house? It’s a little disconcerting to say the least.

All day and most of the night the hawks screech and scream and last week I caught them doing some very inappropriate things in my front yard! If I don’t have sex in my front yard, they should have the common courtesy not to either. I cannot wait for the babies to arrive (eye roll). Something tells me that will all be caught on camera too….reminder: that camera is pointed at my house and the birds live outside my bedroom window!

Today I found the truck plastered in bird poop and they left part of something they had been eating stuck to it….uh, thanks.  I had to run errands like that!  Very classy driving to the grocery store with splotches of poop everywhere and something fleshy and furry baked on and blowing in the wind! Went to the car wash and I’m too short to wash the roof with much leverage, but I did notice that the fur was gone so tomorrow I can go to work with a little dignity….

I guess I’ll sit back, keep the cars out from under the trees, try not to get caught on camera being naked or doing something stupid, and wait for the babies to hatch and flight school to begin…..hoping the whole time that the babies move away and this doesn’t become an even larger hawk habitat!

Where's the Beef?

Good news: I’m still not smoking (though I threatened to start yesterday) and I’m not alone…others are suffering too! (Hands clapping) YAY!! Normally that isn’t good news, and traditionally it isn’t nice to be happy that someone else is suffering.  However, in this case I’m SO happy to not be flying solo! Misery genuinely loves company….and I’ve got plenty of it!

There’s a blog for the cleansers to use but, instead, we’ve started e-mailing one another our random complaints roughly every 10 minutes. You can’t imagine the sheer volume of these electronic cries for help. Personally, I feel I have no choice and have taken on sponsors and appointed someone else for the buddy-system. The buddy says helpful things like, “If you’re not eating cheese, I won’t eat cheese either….give up sour cream? No problem! And don’t mind me while I sit over here with this brownie that I took a bite out of and said ‘it’s not mine’”. Contacting one of the sponsors goes something like, “Hi, it’s Allison…yah, the craving is real bad this time…I don’t know if I can do this….” “Allison, just breathe, and take it one hour at a time. And think about all the things you can have when the cleanse is over”. What can I say – they’re volunteers and a whole lot nicer than the likes of Jillian Michaels.  

We feel like we’re starving to death even though the list of foods to eat is HUGE and the possibilities are limitless. Still, somehow foregoing the apple fritter and non-fat lattes have me feeling deprived. The cravings at this point are irritating for the simple fact that the idea of eating most of them leaves me totally nauseous. (The apple fritter and lattes are exempt from this feeling so far (hands clapping) YAY!). A burger sounded good for about 5 seconds and then my stomach put a total halt to that thought coming back…

I feel like I’m being programmed and today I was put to the test – lunch was catered in and I didn’t eat it….well, I tried to eat a cookie (don’t judge!) but just the smell of it was terrible…so I threw it away.  What is going on here?  I’m seriously starting to worry I’ll live out the rest of my days on beets! I’m only going to be 30 – that’s a lot of days of beets, also known as the ultimate do-good-for-your-body food that will keep me alive until I’m 150! That’s 43,800 days for those that like math.

The cleansers have voted and we’re exhausted, what with all the shopping, rinsing, cutting, chopping, scooping, cooking, steaming and baking – I’m going to be an Iron Chef by the time this is over….and the dishes! There are a ton of dishes for each meal.  The liquid consumption is demanding in its own right…followed of course by the many, many, MANY trips to the bathroom! I’m concerned office management is going to make me start bringing my own toilet paper….

Ah, yes, liquid consumption, I knew I had a point to make: the Hyenas believe the only cleanse is the Master Cleanse where you have nothing but lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper 3-4 times a day for a week or something ridiculous. Oh, yeah, that sounds healthy and rational!  I’d chew my own arm off before I got through one or maybe two days of that! Besides, about the time I got my pants back from the tailor making them smaller from a week of no food, the weight would be back and I’d need new pants…. Seems counterproductive if you ask me.

Karen said everything I'm going through is normal....  Normal and expected I can handle - as long as I don't fail the cleanse...if I fail the cleanse, you know what's going to happen?  I'll be tapping people on their shoulders during Yoga asking if they have a light...well, we’re supposed to be quiet during class, so I’ll have to make the universal thumb motion for a lighter.

Off to....well, you know where...